Three years ago I did what I thought would be like any other phase in my life, like boy bands, glitter eye shadow, or overalls. May 23rd 2010 I was baptized to the Church or Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints where I still remand a strong Latter Day Saint. It’s been great…not perfect,but great. I see things so much better now than I've ever seen before in not just me but everyone and everything around me. I've found my worth,patience, forgiveness, and most importantly my faith. I’m almost positive I’ll lose those things in the future, but I have them right now and I’ll hold on to them with everything that I have. I’ll probably fight myself like I do everything and everyone else,but I always get back on track, as long as I pray first and act second.
I don't think praying is like making wishes so I feel confident in sharing. For months and months I have been asking for the wisdom to know when something I’m doing is wrong and the strength to stop. I've also asked to hear God's voice louder than any other voice around me. For months and months I didn't think it was such a hard request,so I couldn't understand why I wasn't getting results.
April 6-7 was our church conference and it changed my life and answered my prayers but I wouldn't know it till the end of the 7th. I missed the first 2 conferences by a miscommunication. The 3rd...I guess I wasn't ready because I figured’ whose gonna know I missed it!’ Everyone was talking about it and there was even an FHE that played Conference Jeopardy and I was jealous and embarrassed that I didn't know what was going on. The 4th conference I was having a bad week but I didn't want to be left out of the loop again so I forced myself to go. I made the last talk for the beginning section on Sunday and stayed for the afternoon section. My attention span is short so when I got fidgety, I would take a walk.
This was my 5th conference and I only saw the one on Sunday.Saturday night I helped cleaning up and cooking to get ready to co-host a conference party in Bellflower till 1 am knowing I would still have to wake up at 7 to remind the other host to put something in the oven, cook two more dishes and get a shower and drive over there. I was an hour late and still had to put some final touches so headed to the kitchen first, but one of the voices stopped me and I had to write down exactly what I heard; the devil wants you to be miserable like him, said Tom Perry. I went back to the kitchen noise and I heard something else that I couldn't just write down, I had to go in the living and sit to take notes. "We must not pick out which commandments we want to follow."
President Monson talked about God making a failsafe plan to ensure our safety and he also brought up the story of Abraham. This was always my least stories in the bible growing up because all I could think of was how cruel can God be to ask him to kill his son and then told Abraham don't do it,I just wanted to see if you would. I thought about how his son could ever love a father who would do that and what he must have felt after that. As I heard this story told again I have to admit those old feels were starting to spread through my mind again.
Right after that talk I heard Jeffery Holland talk and those feelings were put at ease. "Hold the ground you do have...hold on strong to the truth you do know...Don't let your faith be overridden by your questions.”“Don't apologize for JUST believing, it's the first step towards your quest." And then of course "Be patient, kind and forgiving." I couldn't see why everyone made such a big fuss over this guy but know I see why.
The entire day I had been in and out of the kitchen, taking notes, and cleaning. Dallin Oaks took a jab at my heart when he told me, “We love the praise of men more than the praise of God." It only hurt because it was true, I was cooking and cleaning making sure the people around me were perfectly comfortable instead of doing what's right which was sitting down and take more notes.
Enoch W. Kopischke let me have it when he told me to look for people who lift and encourage us, because the bad people in our lives that we keep will eventually make us feel abandoned. "Having your spirit is a comforter, and the only companion you’ll need."
The day was almost over and I realized I didn't get fidgety or restless or even that tired. I almost took a nap during Todd Chrisofferson's talk because I thought I earned it. Muffling sounds would come in and out as I closed my eyes, but certain phrases would open my eyes and I had to write it down. "Redeem your sins and pay what is owed by confessing and abandoning your sins...help others to achieve greatness too." And the Les Mis reference just tore into my soul. I went over my notes and I could see how sleepy I was but how shaky my writing was. That only proved to me how important writing that down was.
I was pretty out by the end and I'm sure it was President Monson who said it and I could barely read it now but like I said, it must have been important if I would open my eyes and eyes to it. "If any man opens his door to me, I will come in."
When I got home I was in my room looking over my notes and reviewing the day in my head and I realized that my prayers were answered. I heard from men who talked to God. I heard them louder than any other voice and sound around me. I've been asking for the wisdom to know when something I’m doing is wrong and the strength to stop. I didn't realize it until then, but I had been doing that for a while now. Sunday was a perfect day and any number variables could have stopped me from being there and I still chose to be in front of that screen. I probably wasn't ready for the first 4, but I was more than ready for this one.
Since my conversion I have been embarrassed to talk about the church and why I joined. I knew it was right but I could never defend it or express what I felt then or how I would feel in the future. This was supposed to be a phase that I would get over in a year max. Nevertheless May 23rd 2010 I was baptized to the Church or Jesus Christ Latter Day Saints where I still remand a strong Latter Day Saint. It’s been great…not perfect,but great.
